Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
