Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
