Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Randomize