ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
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