Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Randomize
