At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
