Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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