It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
