where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
This is the high leading the old right now
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
