mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
