So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
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