Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Randomize
