You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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