I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I'm getting married
To pizza
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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