Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Dear god my vagina.
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