now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
