thus making me awesome and them whores
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
