YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize
