Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
