Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
