I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
