I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
im six kinds of drunk right now
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Randomize
