i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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