This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
