Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
