he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
