Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
