At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I have aggressive nipples.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
