And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
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