The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I think I died a long time ago.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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