I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize