I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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