jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
