Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Randomize
