Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
