Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
