Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
