i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
