It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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