SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
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