My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Randomize
