i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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