someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
