someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
