I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
