I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize