I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
