Your face is a jimmy john
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Randomize
