if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize