no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
