her vagina looked like bernie madoff
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
