Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
