i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
