wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
