I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
