My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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