I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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