dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Randomize
