that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Randomize
