The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
It's rum buckets o'clock
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
