I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
