He had one of those small greek statue penises
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
